For my son's birthday party I did not mix pre-made pudding cups into the cheapest boxed cake mix I could find and try to pass the cupcakes off as homemade. No one would have fallen for that one, not even if they were the most deliciously moist cupcakes ever. Which they were not (but they actually were!).
I did not witness my daughter doing somersaults, screaming like a banshee or shaking it like a Polaroid picture at her brother's birthday party on Friday night. Nor did I watch helplessly as she stayed up till midnight on Saturday guzzling bottle after bottle of milk, but refusing to sleep. My daughter would never do any of these things. She is always very calm and well behaved, and is always in bed at eight o'clock on the button.
I did not get brave enough to finally give my two year old a piece of bread crust while having dinner with friends. I also did not have an immediate panic attack about the possibility of him choking and quietly snatch said piece of crust and hide it under the edge of my plate. That's just ridiculous. What kind of basket case parent wouldn't allow their two year old to have bread? Not me.
I did not get behind on my work last week and then spend most of my morning freaking out, just to realise that I really don't have that much work to begin with. I am way too organized to ever let that happen and I always know exactly what needs to be done.